Thurdsay 7th July-12.15pm.
Ok so i am really bored rite now....i've got like nothing to do cos it's holidays....well not really i'm just lying to dad cos i cant be bothered going to skool...too much stress...besides Cath and Nathan are there.
what is with those two. it's like i'm suddenly invisible or something. now that Nathan is old enuf to buy Cath 'Lollies' it's like she doesnt need me around anymore. it kida sux. and i thought we were good friends. so much for that theory.
lately it just seems like i'm outgrowing all of my friends. i mean i know that i am extremely annoying at times (like most of the time) but that doesnt mean they have to be so horrid towards me. i mean seriously. it's like i dont even matter anymore. i could just...drop off the face of the planet (not that it's flat or anything but that's not the point) they wouldnt even know i was gone. life is just full of complications. maybe i should stop thinking about trying to be friends with everyone and start thinking of my future. everyone keeps saying that this is my most important year of life and i have to decide what i want to do with my future. which is hard cos i'm a very indecisive person. (and i cant spell)
anyways. i'm seriously bored. i was playing games but that got boring...so i took a few personality tests...now that's boring too. hmm....maybe i could write some more fics. i'm working on this really cool one atm...but i'm not sure if it's good enough to post.
well i've just been ordered to go to the bank for dad and drop in some checks. grr i hate banks. they r so...ugh. i cant think of a word. so i guess i should go...hmm i might get something to eat while i'm out. maybe a pie or a sausage roll. havent had one of them in ages....or i could eat some cold pizza for lunch. that way i dont have to spend money.
hmm...anyways. i gotta go. i'll post some more when i get bak....not that i'll have anything interesting to say.....well gtg.
toods!
~Jess~
Same Day-12:35pm
ok so that didnt take as long as i thought it would...maybe cos i didnt go to tha bank...i'm not going till the end of tha day. so for now i'm going to sit here and eat pizza, and hope that the cat doesnt try to take it off my plate lol.
OMG it's like -100 degrees here....ok maybe not... but hey! i just got up to answer the phone and when i got back THE CAT WAS EATING MY PIZZA!!!! dam cat...ah well...there's more in da fridge...
so...now bak to the waether. it's so cold. i am like freezing my butt off here. dam heater has stopped working suddenly.
anyways....where was I...oh yeah so i just handed up my tourism assignment today. i'm hoping i get a good mark seeing as it's the only one i've handed up this term. i am so lazy...but i guess that happens. not that it bothers me. i havent handed up many of my assignments at all this year. i think i'm just getting sick of school. it happens.
wohoo...i won $5 on a scratchie today. i was scratching it and i'm like yay i won. it made me happy. bloody dad. he thinks that money is like the most important thing in the world. cause he is like in heaps of debt. well i am too but you dont see me complaining about it...
great now jason has stopped talking to me. yesterday he was all caring and stuff and now he's blocked me on msn. i cant even talk to him...it's like UGH quit it already. now i am definately starting to believe that i am cursed. i know it sounds really stupid n stuff but i rekon it's true. it seeems that everyone i have ever loved (other than family) has just up and left me. i mean take my first b/f for example.
Cameron Rowell. now as far as i know he was never really romantically interested in me. he was just going out with me becuase he felt sorry for me. like that made me feel better. it just made me feel worse. i mean come on a pity date? seriously.
anyways. the point is he left me to go and live in Canberra. of all the places. i mean seriously that place is worse than Adelaide. hmmm anyways.
i got over that eventually when i met Darcy Taylor. now he was a sweet guy. He and i got on really well. we even dated for 5 months. well 6 if you count the month that he was grieving for his little sister who was killed by a drunk driver. he was the first guy i ever really loved. and we would probably still be really good friends, if it werent for the fact he's now living in Melbourne. he moved to Victoria to take part in the police training course. and i havent seen him since...sorry i lie i have seen him. he showed up last year two days after my b'day. i got home and guess who was on the doorstep...Darcy, and his new g/f. seriously why the f**k would he have brought her to my place. it's like...ugh i dont know.
anyways. after Darcy was Jack. now he and i had grown up together. We met in kindergarten but then he moved away when we were 6. anyway he came back about 2 years ago and we hooked up so to speak. we started catching up and then eventually started dating. we were together fro about 8-9 months before he decided once again to move away. this time so he could live with his sick granddad and he decided to take over his grand dad's business so he stayed. he as the second guy i thought i loved. turns out it wasnt love. it was just friendship. a very close friendship. we were sort of...friends that kiss. if that makes sense.
anyways. a few months after he left i got involved with a guy names Jamie. well we were friends to start with cos he went to the same youth group as me. anyways we started hanging out. the usual friends stuff...movies, parties, dinners, lunch, just hanging out. then one night b4 he went away he turned to me and he said 'we need to talk.' and i'm like. wtf??? cos that only happens with relationships. i mean there was a serious amount of flirting bewteen us but we never actually talked about the whole dating thing. so he says 'i think i like you blah blah blah.' and i'm like...well i like you too.' so we decided yeah it was a mutual thing. neways... e talked for a while about it and decided that we would start 'dating' when he got bak from seeing his new baby cousin in Qld. Then when i was saying goodbye after the whole akward moment thingo...he kissed me. i mean it wasnt a serious kiss..it was just a peck in the lips but still...
He went away in early november and he wasnt due back till early december. so me n my 'friend' jes went to schoolies week and stayed in Goolwa! oh it was a fanstastic four days. most the time we just soent hanging out in the motel room watching daytime tv or playing card games or hanging with the people from the other rooms. i swear Jes and i were really close then. we were like good friends. then i got a phone call on the saturday night at about i dunno 9;30ish. it was from Jamie. he called to let me know he was back in town. (this was on the 29th of november) and i was like...ok you're not sposed to be back till nxt month..what happened? and he told me that the reason he was back so soon is cause he wanted to come back with Sally (a chick that i like REALLY REALLY hated.) and i was like...why? and he said becuase she was his g/f and i just hung up on him. i was so looking foward to him getting back so we could be together and he goes and pulls something like that. as you could guess i was really upset. i tired to hide it from jes but it didnt work. she figured out that something was wrong and so i told her the whole story. she sat with me beside the bed and she hugged me and made me feel better. that felt great. i felt like she actually cared about me...like she was a really good friend.
anyway i'll talk more about that later...back to the jamie thing...well i was extremely pissed with him becuase of what he did. but then along comes Danny. Jamie's older brother. now i thought...ok so he's like really nice. he was a good friend as well. anyways we spent a lot of time hanging out...and we ended up pretty much like every other guy i've been friends with. we started 'going out' so to speak. we went to movies (whcih we mostly spent making out and not actually watching the movie lol) and had dinner and stuff. and what happened was Jamie got jealous. there was a huge fight and i ended up getting punched in the face by danny (accidentaly of course) and then i ran out...i gave the boys some time to finish their fighting and then Danny and i got back to how we were.
that lasted for about...3 weeks. then he dumped me on the day of my b'day. but that didnt matter tho...because i was still hung up on Jamie neways and he had dumped Sally three days before that...so i figured now that we were both single we could try being together....only that didnt work out.
man i feel like i've been going on forever...i have...i dont mean to..it's just there's lots of stuff to catch up on...my life is like a soap opera...something bad is always happening lol.
anyways...Jamie and i didnt end up being together...he tried kissing me but it just didnt feel right. it felt so wrong. besides that i could tell that he wasnt really interested in me anymore...so now we're friends again. which is a good thing becuase i can tell him stuff i never tell anyone. so that's the way it's been for the past 3 months. we've been friends. and that's been good. tho there was a time when i was avoiding him completely becuase i was aoiding Danny...and cos they lived together it was hard to see Jamie without seeing Danny so i just decided not to see either of them.
wow this post is very long!
Are you all seeing the pattern? i loved Darcy & he left. i loved Jack and he left, i loved Jamie and he left me for sally, i loved Danny and he betrayed me with my best friend (i havent explained about that but trst me you dont want to know. it'll take too long to write about) and just recently i was involved with a guy called Alex who came from NZ. now i know we werent going to last long cos he was from NZ and he was just here for a visit. but i didnt realise he would be leaving only after a week of being with me.
is there something wrong with me? am i just repellant to guys or something? am i destined to live my life alone?
who knows...
anyways...back to Jes. we were good friends rite...we talked like...three times a week...i went o all her parties, she came to all mine...then something ahppened..i dont know what it was but it was definately something. we just stopped being close. i dont know whtether it was the whole cath thing or whether it was just that she didnt want to be friends with me anymore.
hmmm....i am just completely lost. and now she thinks that i 'like' her. as if. i mean seriously she has a g/f. and if cath loves jes that's fine by me. like i told them if in cant be with cath then there's no one i would rather see her with than jes. i still think that. Jes and cath are so good together. and i dont have feeling for either one of them. you hear that I DONT HAVE FEELING FOR EITHER OF THEM!!! the whole cath thing was just becuase i was upset...and becuase i was misled. by myself maily. cath was the first person since Jack that i felt i could really talk to. i mean she listed to everything i had to say and she didnt once tell me to stop talking and she never seemed bored either. then when i found out that she was Bi...or whatever she is...i thought...well i could always try something new...i mean being with guys never did me any good. it always just turned out bad.
so you know i figured why the hell not. but it just so happens i chose the wrong night to tell her how i felt. Becuase right after i told her...she went back to Jes. she didnt even bother to think how i felt...she made up an excuse about how she was confused...but i think that she just didnt want to have to think about someone like me having feelings for her. and it just so happens that on that same night i did something i will regret forever...i kissed one of my best friends. i dont know what i was thinking...i was just drunk and pissed off about the whole Cath thing...so i kissed him. and i really didnt mean to honest...but later i found out i wsnt the only one he kissed...you know what i dont care though...cos like i said..i was drunk and it didnt matter.
but like i said. that's all over and done with now. i've decided i want nothing to do with dating until i've finished school...well unless some gorgous guy asks me out...then maybe i might change my mind!
well i'm sorry if i've bored you all to deaht...i'd be surprised if anyone made it this far through my posting...man if i were reading it i would have given up before i had even gotten through the first two paragraphs...
but i dont care...i'm writing down how i feel and it's making me feel better too...i'm not keeping it inside anymore...
phew..now that i'm done with that...i'm going to go eat my cold pizza....
toods!
~Jess~
